A message to Kant's Critique of Pure Reason: Why do you have to suck so much? Everybody else makes sense, so you're obviously just not trying hard enough. Although it might be better for you not to try harder. I sure wouldn't want to see what shit you come up with.

What's all this crap about a "critique," anyway? Are you a movie review? I mean, Siskel already got a replacement, so it's not like you're going to make any money doing it. Or are you going to bring in your obvious old-time Chrisitain values and say that money is bad? Maybe you should get out more, talk to some other books and get some perspective on things. Epistemology will only get you so far, and in my house it'll just get you kicked out. Maybe if you weren't so "in German" and everything. But no, you had to go and sprach Deutch. Really mature, you putz.

Are you aware that you serve no purpose? Nobody reads you to learn anymore. You are certainly rather heavy, and usually bound with stiff blue covers, so I could use you as a weapon if it came down to it, but then, if I had to, I could use my ass as a weapon.

I used to keep a picture of you by my bed. I used to snuff in the fumes from between your pages, rub your blistering protective plastic library layer, and reach my ecstasy. I used to respect you, look at you as my equal. You seemed to solve so many problems, and now you just keep making new ones. Please die, and take your foul-smelling transcendental logic with you, priori I break your nose.

Did you know that your are badly written? Yes. Your paragraphs, though seemingly full of meaning, crumble under any scrutiny. It may take six perusals to pin you down, but once you're down, boy, you don't have too much to say. Figuring you out is like learning Ugandan just so I can talk to the guy in the dry cleaning store. You drain most of my time, and in the end you're just a regular guy. Now I know why Hegel hated you. Why don't you get a job filing insurance claims?

And if you could be so kind, Critique, would you give me a topic for my seminar essay? It's getting desperate here.